Choices

It's amazing to me that people say cliché terms like, "You never know what's around the corner" all the time.  Yet, we are still so shocked when unexpected things happen. 

I am going through that. My life right now feels surreal, flipped upside down. 

I was just telling a friend how I could have never guessed that my life would lead me down the road that it has. I feel like any minute now I am going to wake up, be ten years old again and life will be back to "normal".

My parents are divorced.

There is a ridiculous amount of drama surrounding the divorce.

My brother has unexpectedly moved out of state. 

I carry a heavy burden for my siblings. 

I have never been away from home for more than 3 weeks, yet in a month I'm moving 900 miles away.

I have no job prospects and I already have payments coming up. 

Life for me is now very very real and very very raw. I do not have time for fake and I do not have time for more drama. I have never hated both of those things more.

Every person will have seasons in their lives. Some are smooth and others are challenging and sometimes you have to go through gut-level pain. I'm in the latter right now. 

The question is, how do you/I not only survive those seasons, but thrive in those seasons. 

Honestly, I have been barely surviving, much less thriving. I have been agreeing with fear and anxiety. I have been agreeing with anger and stress. Everyday has been a fight to get through without wanting to kill myself. 

(I do have to thank my siblings and my closest friends and family for being there for me, because without y'all who knows how much worse I would be.)

It's been my mistake thinking it's okay to live in fear. I heard a quote the other day: "Having fear is putting your faith in the wrong source."

That could not be a more accurate description of what I've done. 

God is my inspiration. And I've stepped away from my post as a believer in His ability to protect me, provide for me, admonish me, and love me. 

I don't think we were ever meant to live a life apart from God. Not allowing Him to be involved of every intricate detail of my life is the most draining thing I've ever done. 

I really really want to know him, hear him, feel him, more than before. I want him to be more real to me than he's ever been before. I'm not interested in skin deep Christianity. I'm interested in the raw emotions, intentions, desires of God. 

I'm not sure what my point really is.

I'm just trying to be honest with myself and everyone else. I have nothing to hide. 

Sometimes life sucks. Don't abandon the opportunity to have joy in the midst of pain & hope in the midst of the darkness, by giving in to fear. It's not worth it. It's exhausting. It's debilitating. 

God is always the provider. Either you'll take his provision or you won't. It's all your choice.